


Yellow Lies

by Anzunyan (Celestiaru)



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Mao/SOMEONE could almost be anyone desired, Other, Ritsu's unrequited love to Mao, Unrequited Love, im suffering myself help, slight warning about depressive thoughts and that kind, this is 100 percent unrequited and there is no ship happy end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 15:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8719621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celestiaru/pseuds/Anzunyan
Summary: “Ritsu, do you know this feeling? Like, when your heartbeat increases, when your mind can't stop thinking about someone?” Ritsu knows.“I think I'm having a crush.” And Mao says a name and of course it isn't Ritsu’s.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up a week ago and started typing pure unrequited love suffering for some reason. Now I finally got around editing it. 
> 
> Ritsu's characterization fluctuates a bit but I shall excuse this as him being pretty unstable himself.
> 
> (This ship was supposed to be fluffy and cute and give me happy thoughts. And then I went and destroyed it myself.)

“Ritsu, do you know this feeling? Like, when your heartbeat increases, when your mind can't stop thinking about someone?”

 

Ritsu knows. He has it right now. But he also dreads the answer because Mao’s green orbs aren't looking at him. He isn't looking away from him, either, no. He is entirely gazing into the far distance. Every throb of his heart is painful and his voice is small and barely audible, through its easily excusable as sleepy. “So?”

 

“I think I'm having a crush.” And Mao says a name and of course it isn't Ritsu’s.

 

\---

 

Ritsu always thought things would be fine. Even if his love would remain unrequited, he would be fine as long as Mao would stay by his side. As long as he has people like his fellow Knights, or Hajime or Eichi, or Anzu, Koga or even his bug of a brother, he would be fine.

 

He deluded himself pretending that Mao secretly loves him back. That eased the pain but that also created foolish hope. Having hope sometimes makes everything much harsher. But Mao always takes care of him, always listens to his whim, even if he has a sharp comment or a complaint accompanying it, he would always end up giving Ritsu what he wanted.

 

Except his heart. He wouldn't take Ritsu's either, who readily offers it to him at every opportunity, who is more than unusually affectionate to Mao than to anyone, period. Not even Anzu, and Mao has thought Ritsu would take a liking to that girl.

 

But all of that should have been fine because the way Mao never fails to be by Ritsu's side makes Ritsu indulge in the blissful feeling that nothing will change so this can go on forever and it would almost be like Mao is his and only his.

 

“Ritsu, someday I'm gonna date someone and marry them,” Mao always logically reminds him but Ritsu has already started to block out these words automatically, like a defense mechanism because the first few times Mao would say that it has hurt for days, weeks. Because the way Mao says that he always certainly means it is not going to be him, and that certainty makes Ritsu feel miserable. Now there is a dull throb that he quickly ignores by hugging Mao and making noises akin to a tired cat.

 

Final year at Yumenosaki meant no bug of a brother but also no ousama, no Secchan and no Ecchan. Koga and Arashi ended up in the other class, Hajime and Tsukasa have gotten busy as sophomores, Anzu is, almost like Mao, always busy..

 

(He should be, too, as a third year.)

 

The only real consistency in his life still is Mao. As much as he tries not to rely on his childhood friend, when Mao is there, Ritsu would naturally be drawn to him. When he is too tired to move, Mao would eventually carry him home, when he forgets to eat, Mao would remind him. When he almost forgets to live, Mao would be there, like a reminder to live for him, for Mao. (Because he would, he does.)

 

Or something like that but no matter what Ritsu tries, Mao is still like his life line and he really wishes it would stay like this forever.

 

It can't, of course. But Ritsu has hoped it wouldn't happen until college, or maybe forever.

 

Maakun is unfair, Ritsu thinks to himself as he hugs Mao while the other fondly tells him of his crush.

 

He could act as jealous and abandoned as he feels, he could pout and act like a child and turn away and throw a tantrum.

 

That would do nothing but hurt both Mao and him, it would be so unfair to Mao. And if he just stays quiet and inhales Mao’s calming scent, then at least Mao would not be hurt while Ritsu tries to calm down, when he tries not to suffocate in pain, while the pressure within his chest tries crushing his lung, his heart and his very being.

 

He thinks he can pretend a while longer that nothing will change. Sometimes Mao and Ritsu still share a bed, like when Mao talks into the late night with Ritsu or when he works on student council tasks while Ritsu refuses to go home (he just wants to be with Mao, all the time, no matter how busy he is because at least Ritsu can assure to himself that Mao is still there, still within his grasp and very much real and his, at least in his mind).

 

He still wakes Ritsu up and helps him get dressed, he still carries him to school when Ritsu clings to him and he still makes sure Ritsu does stay awake for classes enough.

 

All of this doesn't change, it might just be a bit irregular because it also never changed that Mao is a busy person.

 

So oddly enough it barely changes when one day after school, as Mao is piggybacking Ritsu home, Mao says, “Do your homework, okay? I'll check on you later.”

 

“Maakun, why don't you stay and help me?” He doesn't need help per se but everything is much more motivating when Mao is with him.

 

“I can't, sorry,” a happy chuckle and a glowing, cheerful face makes Ritsu’s heart skip several beats - accompanied by the lately all too prominent pain that tries to murder him. 

 

“I'm having a date.”

 

Ritsu, now standing in front of the door to his home, is so close to just turning and slamming the door shut into Mao’s face but he knows it is not fair. “Oh.” He tries coming up with some phrases he knows are used in such situations because his brain has shut down, focusing solely on the feeling of falling, falling deeper, without Mao.

 

“Uh, have fun then.” And he yawns to pretend he is his usual self when in reality...reality shatters for him.

 

“Thanks Ricchan! See you later!” And Mao kisses Ritsu’s forehead and it takes all if Ritsu’s willpower not to cling to him, to smell his calming scent, to have his warmth and sunshine all for himself even if it were to burn him.

 

Instead he just watches Mao leave and again it feels like Ritsu is alone and those he cares for simply leave him without realizing the damage they leave behind.

 

Mao comes back and Mao tells Ritsu they are dating, really truly dating and Ritsu feigns sleepiness from being awake all day for classes, which Mao believes, or maybe Mao is also just too happy and giddy about dating his crush, so the boy leaves the other to sleep.

 

Sleep doesn't come to Ritsu, even if it is no lie he is tired, even if it is unusual he is at this hour.

 

He sits by the house’ small piano, lying on the closed lid of the keys, the moonlight filtering through the curtains into the otherwise pitch black room. Playing the piano would calm him but he has no motivation to do so.

 

If he started playing the piano in the middle of the night, Mao might hear him. He would know something is wrong and Ritsu does not want that.

 

Minutes pass, turning into hours in which Ritsu feels empty. 

 

Every second with Mao feels like a lie.

 

(Ritsu has lied to himself.)

 

There is no happy end for him.

 

He hasn't cried himself to sleep ever since his fight with Mao in their second year. Now the tears won't stop.

 

\---

 

Maybe the worst part is that the person is nice. They are funny and considerate, yet has enough character to inspire Mao. They seem happy and Ritsu knows they are a good match.

 

Far better than he could ever be for Mao. 

 

Maybe the worst part is Mao still making Ritsu feel like the one important person in Mao’s life. Ritsu wishes it was that case. He wanted it so badly. 

 

All the time before Ritsu has hoped, a small foolish hope, that Mao would like him back. The way that Ritsu liked Mao. That he would be Mao’s special someone, not special childhood friend or neighbour, but the person, the one and only person he would want to spend the rest of his life with. To Ritsu there would be no one like Mao again, at least it seems utterly unlikely.

 

It is unfair, because that hope makes the disappointment and pain all the worse. Ritsu just wants to sleep and forget and he barely knows how he graduates but maybe it is because of Mao, maybe Mao would notice him more.

 

It is during college that Ritsu feels like dying.

 

“Ritsu, will you be my best man?”

 

Dying would be so easy. The feelings that crush him sure feel like he is getting killed, dying over and over again, except he is not, he is alive and suffering. He wishes his unrequited love would have killed him already.

 

No such thing naturally exists, he is alive and Mao is happy and it makes Ritsu happy but the pain is far greater, still.

 

It is so unfair, Ritsu thinks, when will anyone ever see him as the most important person? When will he feel like he can be himself and be loved anyway. He knows love requires effort but sometimes he just wishes he can be the way he is and still be loved unconditionally, loved as the most significant other.

 

And he DID put a lot of effort into loving and keeping Mao. But he can’t force him to love him, that wouldn’t feel right, that is not what Ritsu would ever want.

 

So Ritsu continues thinking, while his chest constricts painfully, that it is unfair. While he helps Mao, the best thing that happened to him in his own opinion, his most cherished person, choose rings and prepare a marriage to a person that is not him, not Ritsu, he thinks everything is just so unfair.

 

Can a long-living vampire die early because of loneliness? Of an unrequited love? Sometimes, more often lately than ever, Ritsu wishes it’s going to be the case.

 

\---

 

“Thanks Ricchan!” Ritsu has never seen Mao so happy and it is just again another stab into his mangled heart. It is not directly him who makes this wonderful person happy and Ritsu hates his own entire existence for that.

 

“I got a lot of help. Actually I got mostly help.” Ritsu shrugs. He just wants it to be over so he can sleep and numb the pain.

 

“Still, you put in effort, and this is what counts. This was a beautiful day, the happiest so far in my life.” Briefly Mao sneezes because there are a lot of flowers and even his allergy medicine has its limits.”I love you, Ricchan!”

 

What hurts more, the affectionate nickname Mao keeps using ever since without meaning it as lovely and deeply as Ritsu wished, or the fact that Mao always says he loves Ritsu and it is no lie but not the truth Ritsu wants either?

 

“Maakun is unfair,” Ritsu mumbles, turning away and running his fingers over the flower arrangements. All kinds that meant love and happiness. Varieties of red and white and rose colored. The petals, no matter what kind of flower, are soft to his touch.

 

“Ritsu?”

 

A lone tulip different in color from its rest stands out from a bouquet. Ritsu feels drawn to it and pulls it out before looking back at Mao.

 

His hair is dark red and soft when Ritsu touches it. His green eyes are still the most beautiful orbs he has ever seen. Mao, the love of his entire life, the most important person in his life, the person who made him feel special even if in the end it was a lie told to Ritsu by himself, stands there, confused when Ritsu tugs the yellow tulip behind his ear.

 

Mao lifts his hand, a ring gleaming faintly for a brief moment, the proof of his eternal tie to someone, someone not Ritsu, and it fills Ritsu with despair but he is tired, so very tired, so he just smiles.

 

“You're my sunshine, Maakun. You're always my sunshine.”

 

Mao wouldn't know the meaning of a yellow tulip, Mao is not much interested in flowers thanks to his allergy, much less the language of it. Ritsu only knows because it is something he once learned from Eichi, who likes flowers.

 

His childhood friend, his love, his despair, the source of his endless suffering, smiles and it is a beautiful smile. For a brief moment Ritsu feels happy because that smile is exclusively for him, Mao is only looking at him and smiling like Ritsu is his world.

 

It is yet again a lie Ritsu tells himself and whenever that lie shatters, he is left in even more shambles but he does it anyway, again and again. Until there will be nothing left of him. And only his love for Mao remains.

 

Lies to himself are the only way he barely is functioning. Even if it destroys him, the the moments of false joy at least feels like an impulse to live. Although the fall hurts every time, at least he knows his love for Mao is no lie and even if he often wishes it would fade away to nothingness, that he would be indifferent to these feelings, he would be nothing without them.

 

So even if he lies down to sleep, to forget, and to numb the intense pain, he loves Mao and will never regret doing so.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I love this ship but I also love them (+me) suffering.
> 
> Edit: I also hope you look up the meaning of a yellow tulip in case you don't know it already. I'm sure it's easy to guess it's meaning though.


End file.
